Monday, October 26, 2009

can't sleep

can't sleep...found myself starting to write on facebook, but that's a really bad idea. should probably go ahead and take down at least part of what i wrote already. can't have the folks from work reading too much into what i say...oh, yes dear friends...there are spies on facebook. never have any doubt that big brother is watching and recording what you say, do and/or support.
scary shit, really...but not surprising i guess.
so, like i said...
i can't sleep.
i know its because my lazy ass didn't do a goddamn thing today but sit on the fuckin couch and watch supernatural...but its also because my fucking head won't shut up. it never does.
funny thing is, the less i do...sitting around unproductive, the noisier it gets. you'd think this would kick a girl in the ass and get her into action, wouldn't you?
not me.
am i too stubborn? maybe.
lazy? probably.
scared? a little.
in pain? yes.
full of excuses? holy shit yes!...i'm the queen of excuses lately.

as much as i hate to admit it....i think i'm in another depression.
my mom commented as such...but its true that the signs haven't all been the same.
the big theme right now, though, is inaction.
but, then again...that's been a theme throughout this bought.
i'm at a critical point.
i'm horribly horribly unhappy.
i know what i need to do to fix this.
yet i don't let myself do it.
i try and fall back on old excuses..some of which still work, but most of which are absolute bullshit.
what i have to do is really scary for me, somehow.
i'm full of fear.
fear has never been a part of my depression before.
i think its because i've come so far and done so much work that the things that i have left are the most scary to me...
why are they most scary?
because they go the deepest.
and probably because i'm at the point where i really need to expose myself and reveal what my weaknesses really are and ask for help.
i don't mean mental help, i love my psychologist and all the professionals who've helped me over the years...
i need my friends. i need new friends, old friends...
and i need to reveal myself and ask for help.
i just don't know how.
i'm afraid of burdening them, i'm afraid of driving them away with my pathetic problems while they have families and lives with problems of their own to work through.
i'm afraid that i'll sap all the happiness from a room, but in all honesty...its the time spent with my friends, no matter how long or involved..even just being amongst them, that makes me the most happy..or at least clear-headed and content.
i don't want to bring everyone down with my crying.
i don't know that all of my friends realize that my crying is a reflex. it happens when i talk about something that's frustrating or makes me angry..or thats close to my heart. i don't do it to seek attention or get pity or to have others feel sorry for me.
my friend harry is the only one who gets mad at me. lol.
it does wonders for me thought, it really helps...he just doesn't see what's so bad that it can't be conquered.
its not that he doesn't understand or even empathize..he does...its just his way of making me see that the problems i have aren't one's that I can't tackle.
I'm good enough, i'm smart enough and gosh-darnit people like me! lol

even now part of me doesn't want to publish this post.
it exposes too much.

But you know, I've wondered before if that really is part of my problem.
I don't lay myself all out there. I get mad at feeling alone, but who is it that tucks away parts of herself so as not to gain too much attention? me.
had this whole conversation with my therapist and it was strange to finally see a bit of a root to my problem i've created.
there was a time in my life that i stopped calling attention to myself in my words and deeds because it meant conflict. that's the simplest way to put it.
so, i tucked away my emotions and made being invisible (for lack of a better term) and non-confrontational my job. the way something impacted me wasn't important. the way i felt about a situation, injustic or opinion wasn't important....especially if it conflicted directly with a person or called attention to myself to the point where i'd have to defend a belief or action.
there's a balance between all these things. its good to learn to stand up for yourself and when to acquiesce.
beliefs in general were never a problem...but situations that affected me alone...the way i felt about myself or the way i felt about others...i never said a peep.
even now some of this sounds like excuses...but for lack of a better way to explain it all...
i stopped putting myself first and it became habit.

nowadays...i've worked through alot of the crap.
i've come really far and i can be proud.
but i'm still not happy.
in fact, i feel worse than i have in a very long time.
because, in essence, i'm not happy with myself.
i don't know who i am, in alot of ways.
i've denied myself years of doing the things that i love, the things that made me feel complete...and for what?
i couldn't tell you.
i've tortured myself for absolutely no good reason.
i've lost much of myself.
i feel lost.
but most of all i feel alone.
i know that in many ways i've cut myself off from people.
i've shut down.
now that i've figured so much out, all i have left is....what?

its time for reinvention.
but i'm scared.
to death.
and i know that i can't succeed alone.
i need to reach out and let people in.
i can't be afraid anymore to let people see me.
its only by weeding out those that don't like you that you can find those who'll love you.
can't find anyone if you don't let anyone see.
and most one can like you very much when you don't like yourself.
and i don't like myself right now.
at all.

i started a list the other night while sitting at a bar having a drink by myself.
i think i'll post it...kind of a "things mariah is" and "things mariah wants to be"...maybe i'll do a list of likes and dislikes too...that's always illuminating.
sometimes i forget what i like and dislike.
i'm so ingrained in bad, depressing all become numbing.
well that shit ain't workin no more.
its true.
the things that used to pacify my depression...that i used as excuses and are ingrained as habit...used to work...
they don't anymore.
i see through them.
this is a good thing...and has taken years of hard work on my part.
i'm really fuckin' proud of that.
but back to square one...
its scary.

now i'm just repeating myself.
welcome to my brain.
as my mom proves in conversation and as i prove in my head..."we really know how to beat a dead horse, don't we kid?" yeah, momma...i know we do.

time to bury this horse and let the pony have the pasture to frolic.


ahamos said...

If you keep skipping breakfast on Saturdays, I'm gonna come and beat you up. With fists and everything.

Amanda and Jamie used to make blog-post lists. Amanda's was 5 For Friday, and it was 5 things that either amused or irritated or thrilled her. Kind of a summing up of the week.

Jamie's was a list of pros & cons weighted to determine whether the day was good or bad. Always entertaining to read (I miss those posts--ever since she found herself a boy they've stopped).

You are loved. And you are always welcome to be open and honest. I've been in the same place, off and on, for quite some time. And even just blogging can make a big difference, so I'm glad to see you posting again.

Anonymous said...

Lists are good. Try one kid, and then play for an hour or so. Twinkle variations for a starter than the hungarian dance. Listen to your soul forget your head- it is too far away from your heart. The soul is much closer.

JamieSmitten said...

Sweetie. I've so been there and on hard days, I wonder if I'll ever be free of my bad habits and rituals. But most days, thanks to a good therapist and good friends, I do just fine. So continue to congratulate yourself on the hard work you have accomplished and think less about the time that is already gone. You DO get to be happy and you WILL find a way to be happy more often than not. I promise! So, call and cry or just come over and hang out with us -- me and the boy who keeps me from blogging per Ahamos -- because we care. And I'll even post a 5 Things I Adore/5 Things I Abhor this week.

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