emersion

So, i've had this blog for quite some time and haven't really used it for much. So often, when i should've plastered my thoughts and problems on its pages, i've opted for silence. This is mostly because
1. I'm lazy and
2. I'm scared to share that much of myself.

I'm going to attempt to emerge from the self-absorbed haze in which I've lived for so long. I think that airing my feelings/thoughts ectetera may help.

I'm sure that you, my friends who may glance at my writing, know more about me than I realize. You've probably realized how self-absorbed I am for awhile. I've never wanted to admit how very true this is...but its something I'm trying to accept. and to change.

I've not always been this way. In some ways, while moving forward, i must move back in time and rediscover the qualities about myself that i like.

This is not a well-written blog, but i hope to get better as I go along. For most, it'll probably be confusing. But hey..that's my brain, welcome to it.

stay tuned

In Remembrance

Amanda Amos

Words cannot express the loss that the world has experienced with this young woman's passing

Frisco

I just wanted to share with the people I care about and those who loved him that Frisco is no longer with us. He passed away tonight in his Momma's arms, peaceful and serene. He's once more up and running, pushing open bathroom doors in heaven, embarrassing God while he's on the pot.

lol

That's my boy.

I'll miss him always.

...keep on swimming...keep on swimming...

so many things have occured over the last two years that I feel i'm a different person than the one who left richmond to pursue a new career path. not only has my education expanded and my career changed, i've changed.

being back in richmond, i've barely seen my friends. they all have lives of their own and are busy folks, but thats no excuse. i've been hiding from them, afraid somehow, to show them who i am. (though loving thoughts of them are always near to my heart)
i'm still much of the same person, but i've come to the realization that i don't fully share myself with those who care about me and whom i care for.

yes, much of this time i've still been living in my head, wasting energy on circular thought processes. wasting time and energy wallowing in thought, denying the action which could lead to the fruition of the thoughts and dreams i spend so much time agonizing over.

why do i deny myself so?

i don't like myself much. i've changed, yes. but not in ways that would necessarily make me better or worse. just different. i have a different perspective than i did.

i'm aware that part of this roller coaster of thought and emotion is due to my mental disorder. i'm bipolar II. emtional swings with a tendency to be depressed rather than manic. though i'm sure those close to me know this or have figured it out, i've never expressed it to them. this is a large part of the reason i keep myself closed off to my friends. i know they'd be there to support me, but i feel like a burden. too needy at times and ultimately a drain on their own mentality. perhaps i'm assuming too much, but its how i feel. basically, its another way of not allowing them to be aware of what i'm going through and even letting them get the chance to offer help.

this is why i see a therapist. lol. and yes, now that i'm back in richmond, i'm looking for a new one.
soon, i'll be back under the safe umbrella of professional counseling. lol.

so, its time for change, people.
and i have to try and embrace it.

hell of a week

so...haven't written in awhile, again. haven't had the best time the last couple of weeks.
but knowing that my friends and family always have me in their prayers helps.
School is going ok...always feel like i could do better with grades, but i'm passing and in all honesty thats all i really care about. start my new job next friday. i'm nervous, a little scared. but the people seem really nice and say they're excited to have me. so...i'm sure i'll be fine.
got to play with sheep and pigs the last couple of weeks. got some good pics, once i get them developed i'll make them available.