Saturday, August 16, 2008

...keep on swimming...keep on swimming...

so many things have occured over the last two years that I feel i'm a different person than the one who left richmond to pursue a new career path. not only has my education expanded and my career changed, i've changed.

being back in richmond, i've barely seen my friends. they all have lives of their own and are busy folks, but thats no excuse. i've been hiding from them, afraid somehow, to show them who i am. (though loving thoughts of them are always near to my heart)
i'm still much of the same person, but i've come to the realization that i don't fully share myself with those who care about me and whom i care for.

yes, much of this time i've still been living in my head, wasting energy on circular thought processes. wasting time and energy wallowing in thought, denying the action which could lead to the fruition of the thoughts and dreams i spend so much time agonizing over.

why do i deny myself so?

i don't like myself much. i've changed, yes. but not in ways that would necessarily make me better or worse. just different. i have a different perspective than i did.

i'm aware that part of this roller coaster of thought and emotion is due to my mental disorder. i'm bipolar II. emtional swings with a tendency to be depressed rather than manic. though i'm sure those close to me know this or have figured it out, i've never expressed it to them. this is a large part of the reason i keep myself closed off to my friends. i know they'd be there to support me, but i feel like a burden. too needy at times and ultimately a drain on their own mentality. perhaps i'm assuming too much, but its how i feel. basically, its another way of not allowing them to be aware of what i'm going through and even letting them get the chance to offer help.

this is why i see a therapist. lol. and yes, now that i'm back in richmond, i'm looking for a new one.
soon, i'll be back under the safe umbrella of professional counseling. lol.

so, its time for change, people.
and i have to try and embrace it.


Manda said...

Don't ever, EVER feel like you are a burden to you friends.

A trouble shared is a trouble halved.

Look at me; I've got frickin' cancer. And believe you me, I am still learning how to get over thinking I am a burden to my friends and family.

We want to see you healthy and happy, and we will gladly help you get there.

Deb said...

Ditto to Manda's post....
You have made a leap my love by finally posting and allowing others to decide how they will fit into your life, not you making the decision for them by not communicating with them. Know that every day someone thinks of you and wonders how you are..Let them know.

JamieSmitten said...

I've got an AWESOME therapist. And I share. : )

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